Attached:
The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love|
By Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Two hundred and eighty pages, a very easy read and the description of this
book is the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and
keep love.
It decodes and organizes the new science of Adult
Attachment into neat categories of attachment styles and spends the rest of the
book explaining how to figure out your attachment style, your partner's style,
how each attachment style approaches relationships, which styles clash with
each other and how to overcome such a confrontation.
In fact, it is a study on the relationships we hold and how they make us
react to issues when they arise. It dissects the secure, anxious, and avoidant
attachment styles.
Anxious style
Anxious people love intimacy and
to be with the partner all the time, they crave closeness and know constantly where
they stand in the relationship. But they're also quick to have doubts about the
relationship as soon as someone shows signs of avoidance, the moment they start
having any doubt their anxiety system gets activated, and it's not calmed down until
they get reassurance or confirmation that a relationship is fine.
Secure style
the next attachment style is
secured,
so people who are secure they
know how to cope with their feelings, they're usually great at communicating
what they need and want they don’t want.
They crave intimacy too, yet they're
okay on their own as single people.
They are whole and independent
in their own relationships
Avoidant style
people with avoidant attachment
styles really need to be self-sufficient, they need a lot of space, the moment
their independence is threatened and taken away from them that's when they kind
of close up and they withdraw from a relationship, they feel suffocated.
so it says here in
relationships you are often on high alert for any signs of controlling impingement
on your territory by your partner.
-number one, they focus on small imperfections in their partner the way they walk dress or eat allowing it to get into the way of their Romantic feelings.
-number two, they pull away when things are going well.
-number three, you say or think "i'm not ready to commit" but stay with that person anyway.
-number four, they keep secrets and leave things unpredictable to maintain a feeling of Independence.
-number five, they avoid physical closeness.
-six, sometimes they form relationships with someone where they know the future is impossible, that way they always have an aut whenever they're ready".
the book recommends that if you are have a secure attachment style you're
actually compatible with people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles,
but people with an anxious and avoidant attachment style should not go together
because it is very challenging.
Reading this make you feel more justified in your feelings and able to
accept them as normal and not a character flaw. It is a nonjudgmental
way telling you what and why you do what you do.
This book is incredibly insightful and helpful, It's a must read book,
it aims to better all relationships and interactions with others.
Here are few lessons you'll learn (lifted from the epilogue):
- your attachment needs are legitimate
- you shouldn't feel bad for depending on the
person you are closest to--it is part of your genetic makeup.
- a relationship should make you feel more
self-confident and give you peace of mind
- remain true to your authentic self, because
playing games only distances you from your ultimate goal of happiness
Moreover, this book includes very useful exercises to help you see your
insecure patterns in previous/current relationships. It shows you how to reduce
"anxious activation" by voicing your needs early and clearly (if you
have an anxious attachment style)
It’s a refreshing perspective on attachment theory as it relates to
dating and relationships,
It changes the way you perceive intimacy, "neediness" and
independence in a relationship. Though the book is specifically about romantic
relationships, it has ripple effects on bond with friends and colleagues too.
I recommend this book to anyone who had suffered/is suffering
relationship issues especially those connected to communication and insecurity.
If it doesn't help save your relationship, it will help you understand some of
what happened and walk you on the happiness road again.
A final thought and advice: Never undermine your partner's needs, and
never underestimate the importance of effective communication.
